NH... Hell?

Strap yourselves in for this one; it’s going to be a bumpy ride. I’d like to dedicate the following rant to the champions at EA Sports who clearly have NEVER played a game of hockey in their entire existence, or even watched a hockey game for that matter apparently.

When I was younger I was a huge fan of EA’s NHL franchise. Getting to play the game as my favorite players from real life was amazing and the experience got even better with the invention of the “Be a Pro” mode. I found it odd at first that the game would make you sit on the bench and wait for your shift, but it introduced a new dynamic that added to the game. Your AI teammate would take a stupid penalty and you’d have to go out there on the penalty kill and save his ass from embarrassment.

Now, the last NHL game I owned before buying NHL14 was probably the 2010 version. I stopped buying them after that because dropping 60-70 bucks yearly on the same game just doesn’t seem like a smart investment… he wrote, glaring menacingly at his CoD collection. This year I had some cash burning a hole in my pocket, so I decided to give NHL14 a shot. I now think that the money would’ve been better spent on paying someone to punch me straight in the balls.

Back in 2010, I was only a hockey fan. I played the game on my Xbox and I watched it on TV. Now, I actually play hockey in real life. I got off my ass and decided to start playing the real thing even if it is only ball hockey. I’ve been actually playing for about 2 years now and the knowledge that I’ve gained has really opened my eyes to the fact that these games are absolute trash and detrimental to the Great Game.

The main game mode I focused on was “Be a Pro” because it kind of gives it an RPG type feel in terms of gaining experience and leveling up your skills. The problem with this mode is the lack of control you have over the 4 other guys on the ice. You get judged by your coach at the end of a game by things like Team Play, Stats and Positioning. The first two are fine and dandy but when it comes to positioning there is seriously NO WAY the system can analyze if you’re in the right spot during any given play. For example: I normally play as a defenseman.  The system has a general idea of where your teammates want you to be but if you move 1 inch out of that specific spot some other jackass is going to come sprinting across the rink to try and cover your position. They usually end up slamming into me and I lose the puck and get chewed out by the coach on the bench.

My other major issue with this game is the all new “Enforcer Engine”. What a colossal waste of my time. First off, just let me say that I am a proponent of fighting in the NHL. It still serves a purpose and rarely takes anything away from the game except on the rare occasions when someone gets severely hurt. That being said, this option of the game is everything that is wrong with fighting in hockey. In what world can I just strut on over to Zdeno Chara and start throwing fists at him for no reason. I managed to knock out Chara with god damn Brendan Gallagher. What kind of twilight zone world do they think I live in? Every time someone gets taken out with a clean hit, you have to fight someone. Just let me play the game for the love of god. If I wanted to play Fight Night I would’ve pissed away my money on that instead.

Now we get to my biggest issue with this game. Microtransactions. This point of contention isn’t really specific to this game but just with EA as a whole. After giving up on the abomination that is "Be a Pro", I decided to check out the "Hockey Ultimate Team" mode. I had a lot of fun trying this out. You basically piece together your own team from player cards you get out of booster packs. When you first start out, you pick your favorite team and end up with 2 gold level players (basically anyone in the NHL qualifies as gold) and a bunch of miscellaneous players from the lower leagues. You gain EA puck points, or something along those lines, for winning games with your team. Here’s the kicker: you can spend real money to get these points and just load up your team with gold players and laugh as you destroy the hopes and dreams of people like me. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I tossed the game on my shelf and haven’t touched it since. It’s back to living vicariously through the guys I see on TV for me.

Keep your stick on the ice.

/endrant.